737-800/900s and Their Annoying Toilet Seats

Let me throw it out there right now. I have no idea if this is the urination norm or not: I pee standing up in airplane bathrooms (excuse me, lavatories). When I'm crossing the Pacific, flying in the glorious luxury of business or first class, the lavs on those larger aircrafts (747, 777, 330) allow me to stand up tall as I use the toilet. In fact, on Cathay Pacific (CX) and Lufthansa (LH), first class lavs have windows!

Even in the lowly 737-400, one of the older series of aircraft criss-crossing the country, when I enter the toilet, do a half turn to lock the door, then complete my 360 to face the toilet again, I can lift up the seat, where it stays, leaving me with both hands to navigate the semi-disrobing necessary (especially with button jeans).  When I'm done, I let the lid slam, flush the toilet (quaintly, in these older models, with a flush handle), make a quarter clockwise turn to wash my hands, trying to hold down the water faucet while getting my hands underneath with the 3.4 inches of space provided in a stainless steel sink designed for an Oompa Loompa's use.

Of course, following that, I'm guilt tripped into draining the sink, then wiping it down 'for the courtesy of the next passenger.' (it's always written in some extra-polite third person passive tense - very British).  When finished, I exit the toilet and head back to my seat. No problem.

Not on the 737-800, though.

In fact, I'm flying on one now as I write this post. I'm watching the flight attendants taking a sip of soda before they get on the horn to remind passengers of today's flight services (seat belt light still on, nearing our cruise altitude, but still under traffic control given the pull back of the engines indicating a speed limit ordered by ATC) and welcome the elites (such as myself) back on board.

So here's where I run into problems. Having drank lots of water today, nature calls. The seatbelt lights are still illuminated, but when you have to go, you have to go. I get up, and walk the 15 feet or so to the forward lavatory, and unmolested by the FAs touching up their make-up before hitting the aisle, I enter. Over the droning of the captain's voice (all of them seeming to emulate Chuck Yeager's monotone growl), I lift up the toilet seat, and of course...it stays up! Yeah! Makes my peeing easier, but ruins my post.
On most flights on this aircraft, I have to unbuckle my belt and unbutton my pants, and let them drawers drop lower than I normally would, since I only have one hand available to..er...aim and fire. I can't use my leg to prop it up due to the biomechanics of how I urinate (the pump can't prime in such an odd position), leaving me to use one hand to hold up the seat, and the other to aim as best as I can. The biggest mistake I make? Not letting my pants drop low enough so my junk remains unimpeded by any pinching or pressure on the urinary track.  In other words, I don't want any stopping and jump starting when the flow begins. I need to swing free since my other hand is still otherwise occupied with the toilet seat (Ironically, these seats are the type that slowly drop so they don't slam. Great. They won't slam, but they also won't stay propped up).

When successful, I drop the seat with a thud and commit both hands to pulling up my pants from my ankles, where inevitably I've had to let them slip during this process. I hit the big blue flush button, hear the vacuum pull it all away, then wash and exit.

Oh, I should mention that all the while, my neck and head are tilted under pressure for the ceiling while I try all this.

Should turbulence come into play, not only do I have less control over my pee, I seriously risk breaking my neck given how it's bent, and given that I have no hands free to help me balance or otherwise compensate.

So, watch out for those toilet seats in the 737-800 that don't stay up when needed.