Four hours, forty-five minutes, followed by fifteen hours and twenty minutes.
In coach.
That's 75% of the time in a plain old aisle seat. In coach.
This will be a good test for me. The transatlantic outbound and return will represent two of the three longest flights I've flown (the third being DXB>ATL). For the past four years, whenever flying international, I've only taken left turns once through the aircraft door (the exception being Mexico flights, where I had to take a right, but always stopping somewhere in the first four rows).
Whenever I was required to fly abroad, I did whatever I needed to do to ensure I gained approval for business class. Early on at my company, traveling business class was in policy with overseas flights. Over the last two years, when the economy took its downturn (thanks a lot Wall Street!), policies changed. Only with VP approval, and only when an employee expects to travel four times a year overseas is 'access to the lounge' granted.
My wife and I have been on two overseas vacations - the Maldives, and Bali twice. Both trips we flew first class on a combination of Lufthansa (LH), Singapore Airlines (SQ) and Cathay Pacific (CX). There is no better experience in the air. Granted, others will argue the fine points of difference, but Christ - *any* international first class is a better flying experience than 99.9% of the global flying public has experienced!!
I scared of coach. Even more, I'm scared of missing out on an exit row seat. It's for this reason that I tend to get anxious if I've not arrived at the airport early enough. I'm worried that I'll get caught in some part of the 'home to air' cycle, that some unexpected variable will show its laughing face as I get caught in traffic, find that check-in kiosks are down, and I have no choice but to make my way to the worst place for an anxious person - a line.
Turrets - people around think I have Turrets. I can't blame them. I'm watching the water, waiting for it to boil.
"The line isn't moving, god damn it! Why does that fucking old lady at the front of the line keep asking shit questions."
I'm mumbling all this, so those around me can only hear "Goddammit! Fucking old lady! Shit!" To them, I'm everything that's wrong with flying, taking the civility out of it with my bad language.
"Hey lady! Nothing wrong with me. I have a flying anxiety disorder! Get the fuck out of my face!
To those with this disorder, the key is to lower the veil of how you really feel, take a few deep breaths, and put yourself into 'helpful customer' mode.
Agent: "Hello, sir...checking in?"
Me: (thinking...is she kidding?) Smiling, "A good morning to you! Wow, you guys are crazy busy this morning. How have you been holding up?
At this point, you need to create a pop rocks relationship with the agent. You need to engage and connect enough for her to look back at this very transaction as the one that got her going for the day.
Agent: "You wouldn't believe how patient everyone has been."
Me: "Not everyone...some guy back there in line was cussing up a storm."
Agent: "Yeah, well, we always hope the new guy gets those whack jobs."
Me: "So...I know there are no more exit rows available, but the plane looks pretty full...oversold? (she nods) If you need a volunteer...(pause)...I'm not your guy - big business meeting..my boss would kill me."
Agent: "If we do go overbooked, we'll get volunteers pretty readily..if not, we have to pull the last non-elite, non-VIP coach passenger to check in."
ME: "In the case that you need to upgrade one of your elites into first for operational reasons, would you mind saving one of their emptied emergency exit row seats for me?"
Agent: "Sure, sir...and let me know if you want to volunteer (voce basso) I'll give you the max in credits - $400"
Me: Thinking, there goes the pop rocks! "Thanks again, but missing my meeting would cost me 2x that in badwill."
15 Minutes Later
Agent: "Mr. B, please come to the podium"
Me: "No luck on those exit row seats? (always good to take the hit yourself so she doesn't feel guilty. Nothing she can do at this point, and you know she tried."
Agent: "Sir, I've been able to upgrade you to first class. Enjoy your flight!"
Me: You've been so helpful. I hope the rest of your day goes well!"
With my upgraded boarding pass in hand, even then I can't relax. At that point, I have "secure overhead space" anxiety, which is why I show up early. My elite status gets me on the planes earlier than the masses, and first class as well, but what if I can't find enough space? Will my carry-ons be fake gate checked or bona fide gate checked. The difference is around 25 minutes.
I can't believe I'm flying 20 hours in coach tomorrow.
What The Fuck Was I Thinking??
10:31. Bed time. Alarm set for 4:15am
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