Scare in Atlanta

I woke up at 4am, ahead of the alarm's set time of 4:15. I was off and running by 4:45. I love driving to the airport this early in the morning. There's no one on the freeways, and the cops are in the donut shops, so I take my 500+ HP sports sedan up to 90 mph, then while driving at 30 over the speed limit, I felt that I should take a photo to start off this post. Dumb camera phones always take forever to react after you depress the button. I guess I'm spoiled by my DLSR (which I brought with me). The shot is kind of blurry due to going 90mph while trying to taking it.



The Freeway, almost empty



<cue tangent>

I'm going to go off topic for a moment. If you have watched any documentary formatted television show where the subject matter has anything to do with the supernatural, UFOs, aliens, ghosts, etc., then you have heard the phrase “some suggest” uttered by the program’s narrator. For example:

Were the Great Pyramids built by aliens? Some suggest that the perfection of the engineering required is proof that ancient aliens once visited the earth.

It drives me nuts. I picture the actor hired for this job, reading through the script and thinking to himself – “Fuck, how people believe this garbage, for Christ sake. 30 times? Really? I have to read some suggest 30 fucking times? My paycheck better clear, and for fuck’s sake, I hope this shitty alien/UFO pilot gets picked up. Yeah. Steady work, steady paycheck. Maybe I’ll talk to my agent about setting up auditions for some of factual history docs. Some might believe that I’d have finally proven my value as a voice-over actor. Heh heh. Some suggest. What the fuck.”

As a matter of fact, I tune into those UFO shows hoping that one of them will offer real proof of alien visitation. Some of the shit they suggest happened has been proved impossible to execute. Take Archimedes' use of a copper mirror in Sicily to set the Romans' enemy ships on fire.

On Mythbusters (if you don’t know the show, then stop reading my blog), Adam and Jamie proved that this myth was busted. Following the scientific method (well, as closely as television will allow), they failed time and time again in both small and large scale experiments (they may have succeeded in small scale given the intensity of the sun’s rays doesn’t scale down).

Yet on the show Ancient Aliens, which started a two hour special and was picked up by the History Channel (shame!), one of the shady experts – always an author of some book or another on UFOs – falls just short of claiming the Archimedes episode as being factual history.

<whoa, come back to earth...end of tangent>

Where was I? Three hours until my flight to Johannesburg, two hours until the gate opens. I found out when checking in that the primo bulkhead row (having both legroom and AC power) is blocked for the gate agent. Set aside for families with babies (that bulkhead has the bassinets, I’m guessing) and the handicapped/disabled/elderly. I want to be the first one in line to claim one of those seats.

The flight from Seattle to Atlanta seemed long, but with the strong tailwinds, the flight arrived 45 minutes early. I didn’t care. I was deep into my book (future book review), and listening to my Cuban music. I got an emergency exit row, aisle seat, but was sitting next to a beefy fella who somewhat spilled out of his middle seat.

Yesterday, I picked up one of those neck pillows, shaped like a horseshoe, a long cylindrical item that is designed to provide lumbar support. Both of these manufactured by Bucky’s, using some kind of filler that ‘massages as you move’ (ok, I made up that last part). I also bought an eye mask for sleeping (well, the Ambien is for sleeping, the mask keeps the light out so I can sleep longer).

Although I’ve been given lots of these eye masks over the years – always included in business or first class amenity kits – this one has extra room behind the blinds so your eyelids don’t rub against the inside of the mask. You know, now that I look at it, the damn thing resembles push up bra. Bucky should market it as the ‘Eye Bra!’

The Bucky's "Eye Bra"

Now I'm waiting at the gate. Two hours to go. The second the agents showed up, I jumped from my seat (next to the podium) up to the desk, ready to try and get an bulkhead/exit row. I was politely told that the flight hadn't opened yet, and that they 'd open in 10 minutes. Impatient and anxious (remember that getting-everywhere-associated-with-flying anxiety I referenced in an earlier post?), I sat back down in my seat (6 feet away). Every person who approached the desk triggered more anxiety. This is my inner voice talking:

Oh god. What is that guy doing. Didn't he just see me get dissed. Christ, what if he decides to wait instead of coming back. Did I make a huge error. OMG. I just fucked myself out of the exit row seat if he asks for it.

He just asked if this was the right gate for the JNB flight.

I realized I was holding my breath.

Exhale. Stand up. Stand a respectful distance from the podium.

This was (is...I'm still sitting here as I write this) an excellent example of how to best behave when trying to ask a favor. I stood there patiently. I didn't make eye contact with the agents because they had made their intentions clear. However, anyone else approaching the desk would likely line up behind me.

I'm standing here. Isn't it obvious that I'm waiting in line. Why is that guy going to the desk?? Oh, he wanted to make sure this was the right gate.

Next, I found a way to make conversation. The (obvious) lead agent went to the back, while the (just as obvious) junior guy was trying to figure out why one of the two monitors was not working. Here's a great question to start a relationship with an agent:

"Do you generally work the same flight every day?"

It's that simple. It's an aviation analog to a pick-up line. We get a conversation going, I bring up my dad working for Delta for 35 years, etc. He then made the move. When the agent makes the first move, you're in good shape. "What do you need?" He asked, laughing. I asked about the blocked row 30, a bulkhead row with extra legroom. Unfortunately, the agents needed to wait to see how many wheelchairs and infants they had on board.

Back to my chair I go. The senior agent is now actively paging the handicapped, and is asking them if they want to sit up front (in my row 30). The old biddy agreed, and the agent then asked one of the most used phrases in the commercial flying military industrial complex (or whatever): "Would you like window or aisle?" (note the use of 'like' vs. 'prefer.' in most cases, the latter verb indicates that any selection will be treated as a request vs. a confirmed seat type).

The agent is behind the counter, trying to get this old lady to make a decision. Meanwhile, feeling that I've locked the customer/agent relationship, I fake whisper in a bit louder voice (remember, I'm six feet away), saying "offer her the window..the window...not aisle...window." That got her laughing.

Finally, she told her second agent to give me a seat in 30. Yes! I thought my troubles were over. A few moments later, a passport check was required of all non-South Africans. I'm second in line. I walk up to the junior guy, he checks my passport asking where they put my visa.

My blood chills.

"Excuse me?"

My heart rate has doubled.

"I thought you could get a tourist visa on arrival."

"No, you need it ahead of time."

A hole in the world is opening, about to swallow me. Within the lapse of 15 seconds, my mind raced through the repercussions of this mistake. I have to go home. I don't get my miles. I wasted the airfare. In a deeper part of my ego, even the thought that I had overlooked this requirement in my research had me doubting my "skillz" as a frequent flyer and traveler.

The senior pipes in, "No, no...no visa needed."

The hole closes. My blood thaws. My pulse normalizes.

"You scared the poor guy!"

I responded, and this is a quote verbatim:

"Oh my god...you scared the living SHIT out of me."

Ok. I can gather my stuff, upload this post, and go piss before I have to board.



Delta's 777-200LR